whoa

not to lie, i've kind of forgotten about this little creation of mine in the last few months. i just went through a few old posts and my tabs at the top and smiled at the girl i was a year almost a year ago. as always, i feel like ive changed a lot, yet not at all. my life, on the other hand, has surprised me in every way possible in the past year. i'm feelin' a bit nostalgic right now. of course, im stalling from finishing some last minute (very last minute, actually) physics homework. some things just never change i guess. well, thanksgiving break is among us, and hopefully i'll get back into this blog. it needs a few cosmetic changes for sure, and of course, more posts by yours truly! we'll see how this goes. i can't wait to update y'all on my life :)

you were right there. so close. i could've ran into you, but i didn't. i could've talked to you, but i didn't get the chance. i wanted to so badly. i honestly tried to pick you out from the crowd. i just want to talk to you. i just want to say hi and ask you how you are. i just wart to know how your life is going, i want to wish you the best. almost a year and a half later, here i am. still wanting to mend things, wanting the closure i never got. i have no more harsh feelings, no more negative thoughts. i'm over all of that, and i want to know that you are too. every time i go on a run that's near your house, i hope i'll see you. or that you'll see me. you probably don't ever think of me, but if you saw me i know that everything would come flooding back. i want the bitter feelings to go away. i don't know why i still care so much or why you've been on my mind so much lately. i thought i was past this, but i'm clearly not. i worked so hard, only to have one single thing remind me of you. i want to meet you again. i want to be your friend again, and i hope you want to be mine too. but most importantly, i want the closure i never got. because quite frankly, i don't think i'll ever be able to let go without it. and trust me, i've tried, so, so many times.

college

every time i start thinking about it my tummy gets upset. 

i'm so freaked out about it. like honestly, i'm mentally ready to leave. i know how to cook, clean, and do my own laundry. not to toot my own horn but i'm pretty awesome doing the said tasks so i really don't think it'll be that hard of a transition. the main thing i'm concerned about, well, pretty much the only thing i'm concerned about is actually getting into college. 

let's face it, college is so hard to get into these days! (not to mention expensive, but we'll talk about that later) there hasn't ever been so much pressure for kids to go to college these days, and a good one at that. i'm not technically failing, but in my parents, family, friends, and my eyes, i am. this year has just been so dang hard! i don't know what it is, but whatever it was i was not prepared for it. so at this point i'm just hoping that i get into a college that my parents will be able to settle with.

which brings me to my next issue.........

i love my parents, don't get me wrong, but they can frustrate me. they say you're your own biggest critic, and well my parents are the second biggest. i understand they just want the best for me, but they also need to understand my stand point, and where i'm coming from. it's a fancy thing called a compromise. when i was naive and in seventh grade, i set my hopes high. i said i wanted to go to Stanford University, a wonderful school at the least. however, once i entered high school, my eyes were abruptly opened. it's not as easy as i thought it would be to get straight a's and be involved and have a social life and sleep and basically balance all things wonderful and necessary to obtain an acceptance letter from that school.

if you ask my parents, i've lowered my standards and hopes and i'm giving up. 

if you ask me, i've become more realistic 

i no longer find it necessary to go to the most expensive school out there just so my mom can brag about me. i dont find it necessary to brake my parent's bank and pay $50,000 a year, not to mention books, housing, gas, and food. i've come to realize that there are plenty of other private universities who offer a great education at a lower cost with a less prestigious name. i've realized i need to go to a school that will fit who i am now, not who i thought i was three years ago. i need a school who will cater to my personality and educational needs, not a school with the biggest name. it is, after all, MY education were talking about...

and that's what led me to researching schools.

and i found one i really like.

Loyola University Chicago 

it's in the city, has my major, and most importantly, it's centered around the Catholic faith. 

i knew once i picked a school i really like, that i'd have to explain to my parents why i like it. people normally say things like "it has a beautiful campus" or "they offer studying abroad" and while those are definitely important, the religious affilation means the most to me. i've grown so much (and i hope to keep going) in my faith and i think that if i go to a school who is centered around that, it'll allow me to keep sight of Him and never allow my faith to sway away like it does with other people when they go off to college. and that, friends, is why i want to attend Loyola University Chicago. 

even though i'm only a sophomore, it's never too early to set your sights on something. if it's not too much to ask, can i ask for prayers of understanding on behalf of my parents and myself, and that we can just come to a compromise without hateful and disappointed feelings? thank you, it truly means so much to me. 

i'm alive!

.........hey guys! I would like to apologize for my absence, I really would. Things got a little crazy (okay, I got a little crazy, ya happy?) and, well, i'm not exactly the best at handling stress. But I'm back! So my lovely blogger friend Brie posted this little gem and I thought I'd do my own version. Enjoy!

1. Name - Samantha Kim Martinez
2. Nickname - Sam, Sammy, things of the nature
3. Elementary school - Saint Joachim's Catholic School/Dry Creek Elementary 
4. Tall or short - uh SHORT! 4'11 1/2" baby!
5. Sweats or jeans - Mostly sweats, but I've been wearing jeans more often now
6. Orange or apple - you seriously can't do that to me......but i'd have to say apple, barely
7. Do you have a crush on someone - not on anyone I actually have a chance with...haha uh
8. Eat or drink - Eat, drink, and be merry! 
9. Piercings - One on each ear
10. Pepsi or coke - Neither, bleh. 

Have you ever...
11. Been in an airplane? Yes, 'tis my favorite mode of transportation
12. Been in a relationship? I have.
13. Been in a car accident? Several, but only sent to the hospital once
14. Been in a fist fight? Lol no. I'd lose miserably. (my friends even voted on it)

Firsts & lasts
15. First piercing - Sometime when I was an infant
16. First best friend - Juliet, I can't remember her last name
17. First award - I had the best report on insects in the 1st grade and I got a little paper for it
18. First crush - Hahaha, oh goodness Brennan. 
19. First word - McDonald's. Seriously, no joke. Except it was pronounced "mmmdonalds"
20. Last person you talked to in person - Mi Madre
21. Last person you texted - I don't have my phone..... :( but it was Honah (Jonah) Rosas
22. Last friend you watched a movie with - HUNGER GAMES! with my creepy ap class and teacher
23. Last food you ate - Top Ramen
24. Last movie you watched in theaters - "THAT IS MAHOGANY!" 
25. Last song you listened to - I Choose Jesus by Moriah Peters
26. Last thing you bought - uh probably food to be honest
27. Last person you hugged - does my panda bear count?

Favorites
28. Food? Noodles, rice, and chicken
29. Drink? Tropical punch kool-aid....
30. Flower? calla lilies 
31. Animal? PANDAS!
32. Color? depends on the day. currently, it's red.
33. Place? tie between San Francisco and Minneapolis 
34. Movie? I HAVE SO MANY!!! but of all time probably Father of the Bride
35. Subject? Lunch

Have you ever ...
36. Fallen in love with someone? Can't say I have.
37. Celebrated Halloween? doesnt everyone...?
38. Went over the minutes/texts on your phone? All the time before unlimited
39. Wanted to smack someone upside the head? Everyday of my life
40. Eaten a whole pizza?...yes. i swear i'm a boy.
41. Did something you regret? so, so many things.
42. Broke a promise? unfortunately. 
43. Hid a secret? plenty
44. Pretend to be happy? it's been about a year in counting

Your future...
45. Want kids? 3, two boys then a baby girl
46. Want to get married? when the time is right
47. Career? attorney 

Which is better in the opposite gender?
48. Lips or eyes - how is that even a question!? eyes obvi
49. Shorter or taller - Taller, so I can fit under his chin when he hugs me
50. Romantic or spontaneous - BOTH
51. Hook up or relationship - Relationship
52. Looks or personality - cute enough to draw me in, but personality that will make me want to stay

Have you ever...
53. Lost glasses/contacts? I use neither so...
54. Snuck out? only once
55. Held a gun/knife for self defense? No, I'd probably shoot/stab myself
56. Broke someones heart? highly doubted
57. Been in love? I do not believe so
58. Been arrested? NO

Do you believe in...
59. Yourself; sometimes
60. Miracles; strongly
61. Love at first sight; nope
62. Santa; YES. it's just a happy coincidence my mom and him have the same writing
63. Forever & Always; for forever and always

TRUTHFULLY
64. Is there one person you want to be with right now: several actually
65. Who your real friends are: still working on that to be honest
66. Who makes you smile just by thinking about them: Its not so much the person, but the memories made with them.
67. Who is your best friend(s): Jonah. Only person I can say for sure. 
68. Boy you trust the most: Jonah. also probably the only boy I trust

I won't give up

....on anyone. and that's a promise

DONE!!!!!

Done with finals. Done with thinking. Done with EVERYTHING. woop so excited to go home and sleep you have no idea. Party time!

omg omg omg omg

WHY DID ANYONE HAVE TO MAKE TUMBLR?! I AM NOW OBESSESSED AND THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING. ITS FINALS WEEK AND I'M GOING TO DIE BECAUSE OF TUMBLR. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO AMAZING?!!?!?

mk so yeah i love tumblr and it's gonna nip me in the behind this week. someone pray for me. (i'm being serious btw........)

you know there's a problem when...

.....you're doing school type work and such, and all you can think about is relaxing, but when you finally get around to doing so, all you can think about is how much school stuff you have to do.

someone help me.

school has taken over my brain.

all parts of it

NOT GOOD.

nothing is going right. everything that could go wrong has. i don't know what i'm doing with my life anymore, and i'm pretty damn sick of being the community disappointment. i feel like satan's puppet and i want it all to stop. everything that's gone wrong is my fault and i feel like no one cares enough to help me. i cant take all this pressure. i want an undo button. i want to start my life over far far away and never come back. no, i NEED to go far away and an undo button. i NEED people to get off my back. i NEED a break from life.